Hey My Little Mushroom!
I'm picturing you listening to either 'Repeat To Fade' or 'Stole The Bassist' while you read this.
I have decided, for the Christmas season, that there are now so few people left for The Whatevers to kill and eat that just once ever, at the height of summer this year, YOU deserve to experience peak sexy nice and cool Mike Relton. You've EARNED it with your evil, and your sexy.
I wanna take you out shopping, and go drinking and dancing, and buy you a small tasteful present, paying for everything except your travel costs, and delivering as many orgasms as you demand while receiving like, three?
All in one magical Relton/Bisson reformation that lasted only about twenty four hours. During which if you like we can do a quick gig in the flat that no one can see but people can hear cos they can't afford to buy their way in. From another point of view, I never wanna see you again for ten years at least, and I've just decided to help you pay your mortgage AGAIN. Using my penis, and my mouth, to mug you off.
So before you begin celebrating your sweet sweet victory, I regret to inform you I would really much prefer to have your sister, who I have never had, and frankly always liked and fancied more.
I just don't know how to CONTACT her, or how her and her lovely husband like to play. And I think the Whatevers can use this thing to actually WIN ENGLAND THE WORLD CUP, so we can mug off Belle And Sebastian even MORE!
HAHAHAHA OH MY GO I AM SO FAMOUS AWESOME AND COOL! I personally feel you should refuse to do it for poor Mike our fine feathered friend unless England win the world cup, and superstitiously I reckon Amph probably wants to do it enough that someone ELSE will win the world cup. I am increasing Mexico's chances here. The gambling in the Hague is going to go CRAZY over this one.
So, yeah, you, and indeed Amph, have got my address and my contact details.
Just to make sure though, that's 80 Malus Court, Belvedere road or otherwise, The Universe, Auschwitz-Relton, M6 5FU, and I am still checking the reltonmichael facebook and email from time to time, but I will NOT be checking here for responses.
I am now so famous if you really wanna make it happen you actually need to come to my flat twice, once to give me the wank/whores/peasants schedule notice to make sure you get your peak Relton sex, and once to enjoy the magic, cos my post(s) and emails are filtered by The Queen.
I like her, I fear her, I respect her and I LOVE her, but you can't TRUST that woman. Take no risks.
WIN ENGLAND THAT WORLD CUP KATE. Simply turn up before the world cup, accept our happy ending, get out of my flat, and I bet you ALL THE MONEY OFF 'ART AND SEX' INCLUDING THE MERCH that subsequently, England go out there and win that world cup Scotland didn't qualify for, and we all laugh and laugh and laugh, getting richer and more famous and cool while Belle and Sebastian get older and their records get shitter and their live audience shrinks until they actually need to go to Em or Clare's house and beg to get dildo'd to even keep a keyboard in tune.
And if you don't turn up, which to be honest although I miss you enough to post this isn't gonna break my poor little heart, and they win it anyway to spite me once you've had the entire England football team, THE ITS VS THE DEVIL will have won the world cup for England.
I predict a straight Germany/Russia final and I am supporting Mexico, so I'm gonna get richer, sexier and more famous whatever you do and could give a fuck either way.
xx babybear : )
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