Lie about Bands

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Fri May 08, 2009 09:51


have you even heard of them yet? god, where have you been, grandad/ma?

sUCK dAdA sUCK take the combined arsenal of confrontation and aloofness and mix it with FEEDBACK, yeh, FEEDBACK

imagine that, not so much a wall of sound as a WALL OF PAIN

I laughed when I saw girls and can't hack it boys head to the safety of the bar when I saw sUCK dAdA sUCK not so much play a set as explode myths onstage at the Tottenham Trumpton Tavern back at the end of this April last week

on a bill of idiots sUCK dAdA sUCK put a mighty middle finger up to conformity and then sneered- they came on to the sound of Sachsgate with the brilliant genius Russell Brand and celebrity best mate and subversive Johanthon Ross's infamous telephone calls to Leonard Sachs complete with a back projection of Sachs being repeatedly beaten around the head by a man with a moustache with a frying pan dressed in a waiters uniform- I think they both had moustaches

half the audience looked on afraid clearly reminded of the G20 atrocities, the other half just looked on impressed agreeing the old fucker got what he deserved

then the drummer sauntered onto stage sitting down with his back to the audience facing away from his drums- I thought 'these guys mean it, he's completely subverting the drummer/drums relationship'

then a curtain on a rail was wheeled on for guitar insurrectionary jeremy sUCk to stand behind hidden from view from a by now terrified audience

the bass player came on and called everyone 'wankers'- well he mouthed it and then turned away suddenly, his back to us, he had a black t-shirt on, plain black, yeh?

finally striding on the stage like boudicca but without the chariot came the singer, clearly pissed and blatantly wearing sunglasses indoors

I couldn't help it, I shouted out 'RIOT!' and then the music started right on cue, I felt like I was part of the performance- I looked around the room wondering if people thought I was in the band or at least knew them, from the looks I got I reckon people thought I had to be- and it was a performance- 5 blistering minutes of headfucking arrogance and swaggering incompetence

like it used to be

do you remember?

they played one song- just one song

this was like seeing iggy pops and the stooges or the black rebel motorcycle club in their prime

people looked confused, some even shook their heads and rolled their eyes, intoxicated by the RAW POWER onstage

this theatre of cruelty ended suddenly when the singer collapsed off the stage and the bass player mouthed 'oh for fuck's sakes' and walked off

not one smile from any of the band members (that I could see anyway)

pure rock n' roll

2009 is going to be their year


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:04

vagetable, part one

it would be wrong to talk about vagetable without first acknowledging the importance of the theydon bois musicians collective co-operative that blossomed all too briefly in the early 80's

the brainchild of reknowned hummer, tank parsons, the collective co-op was essentially a meeting place for like- and unlike-minded pro- am- and non- musicians to get together and jam and fistfight one another often with knives

tank, a major figure in the 'stop everything we're having a sit-in' sit-in at st albans art college in 1974, had a possibly cider induced vision of a collective co-operative that would encourage young girls to come along of an evening and be free

'I just felt they needed to loosen up a bit', said tank at chelmsford magistrates court

amongst the young musicians attending were dustin parkway of the rebel alliance; greg flan and alan salad who'd go onto find fame as itsy and bitsy and langhorne weddingpresent who wouldn't

'they was turbulent times' says langhorne having a remember, 'you needed to be quick with your fists and slightly quicker with your knees'

a smell like revolution was in the air in that scout hut, 'tank hated thatcher', says the local vicar, steve bunce, 'but then we all did back then, I still haven't mellowed' he says breaking a biro

'it became less about music and more about painting slogans onto linen and then pinning that linen to the scout hut walls' says langhorne, 'and then he told us to burn our shoes'

'it was very experimental' says another invented character I can't even be bothered to name, 'we'd make music out of anything... newspapers, leftover dinner, bleach'

into this furious pit of activity came four 10 year old girls: sackville smeets, fleur muir, hattie hat and tina appleturnover

'tank broke out into a sweat' says gary magic, another made up person, 'he wasn't comfortable around women... or even little women'

'we hated him from the outset' says fleur now when I just imagined what she might say, 'as far as we were concerned we were punks and he was a hippy and he had to die... slowly'

for several months the girls poisoned him bit by bit using household products and that rose perfume you make out of petals, his health detiroiaitruthe=dhtknefnted and a power play occured... pretty soon the theydon bois musicians collective co-operative was retitled 'the girlz only girlz klub- no stupid boys' and tank was out on his ear with all the other trousers

'we fitted tank up on a sex charge', laughs hattie now before regretting

and like river phoenix winning the ashes the gradual slow birth of vagetable was to begin

to be continued...

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by lynsosaurus » Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:13

ah, i've missed this thread!


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:52

vagetable, part two

'they literally terrorised our town' says theydon bois's then and now fictional mayor, mister mayer mike myers mayor, 'I felt like the patriarchy I'd grown accustomed to- and enjoyed- was under threat'

the army was called in

the army were a punk band from glossop who were a bit older than the kids who came to see them and therefore more important, they didn't take any nonsense and adhered to a tough regime of thinly buttered brown bread teas and canadian air force exercises

'we hoped they'd be a good influence on the girls but instead the girls stuck bangers up the army's arses and pushed them in the duck pond laughing', says that mayor, 'where were the parents is my question to you?'

the girls had gone essentially feral out until late, not handing in their homework, forging sick notes to get out of maths and playing knock down jenga until the cows come here boy

'we were out of control', says fleur, 'we didn't care'

but then they did care


well, here you are: 'one day we were throwing chips at a baby and sackville stood up and said 'why don't we stop throwing chips at a baby and do something less boring instead?' and then we formed the band' advises tina in a typed letter I've just pictured in my mind's eye

'we didn't have any instruments so we got our dads to buy us some', says fleur, 'have you got a problem with that?'

armed with two recorders, an ocarina and a bontempi organ the girls began to formulate their idiosyncratic fast/slow bossa nova beat driven sound

and now I'm feeling tired

to be continued...


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Thu Mar 11, 2010 12:10

vagetable, part three

caught up in the heady teenage whirl of o'levels and boyfriends the girl's plans for the band (still not yet named, typical) were losing focus

some of the girl's boyfriends felt that being in a band was somehow a wrong thing for a little lady to do

hattie sez: 'I was going out with a retired colonel at the time and he had very old-fashioned views about what a gel should get up to- playing music was definitely out as was having an education, when he tried to sell me to white slavers I knew I needed to wake up and sell the coffee'

getting a before school job in a cafe was all very well but this story is just going on and on and nowhere- what about the band? well, I'm getting to that

geoff travis, the man behind the rough trade story, was in theydon bois for a rugby tournament... looking for kicks after the game had been abandoned (oh, look a rainbow!) he ended up at the church hall where a local 'battle of the bands' was happening

district nurse, nerys hughes, was on call that night and remembers what happened, 'it was a really shit night, to be honest, and then these young gels got up on stage and took the roof off, then they removed the windows and then the doors... the whole church hall was gone, emptied into a skip, before they played their first chord'

'and then they shouted 'we're vagetable, this is a political act' and then shouted a lot over a double speed bossa nova beat with wheezy recorder... two of them... and in the open air as nature intended'

geoff travis literally gave up bothering after that

vagetable were born

end of part three


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Thu Mar 11, 2010 22:06

vagetable, part four

vagetable then decided to go into the studio and called on langhorne weddingpresent- an old contact from the first post I typed- who'd made some money following a tragic accident and had decided that he should set up a studio in theydon bois for want of anything better to do with himself, he says something about theydon bois being the then 'new seattle' and I shake my head and he looks at his feet before saying 'well, no, you're right'

'rockstar studios' was built in langhorne's mum's back garage, it was a studio and had all the bits you need for that so langhorne was pleased

a few local bands of the time (switchback fudgeleg; flannel elephant; the gavins; rustic cob, amongst them) done some recording there but langhorne admits some trepidation (if that's how you spell it?) when vagetable came a knocking

'I...' says langhorne but loses my interest

vagetable recorded their first demo (four songs in all) punctually without incident although langhorne admits a cup was broken and it was one of his mum's nice ones

that first demo, listening to it now, well...

more later

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by indiansummer » Thu Jul 01, 2010 14:52

where did the last post go?

i laughed my cock off at that.

halo my middle, a hula hoop hug


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Thu Jul 01, 2010 15:01

I thought it wasn't very good and that probably everyone on the board was making 'wanker' signs at their monitors (aimed at me)

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by indiansummer » Thu Jul 01, 2010 15:05

fogofideas wrote:I thought it wasn't very good and that probably everyone on the board was making 'wanker' signs at their monitors (aimed at me)
i'll amend my previous statement to read 'i laughed my cock off WITH that' by way of explanation

it were right funny and that
halo my middle, a hula hoop hug


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Thu Jul 01, 2010 15:19

that's very kind of you to say, will

hen meat may rise again

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by Uncle Ants » Thu Jul 01, 2010 15:21

I liked it too. Hen Meat had promise.
In Recordeo Speramus


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Thu Jul 01, 2010 22:20

hen meat do indeed have promise, as I can testify through the medium of typing


hen meat

deb hen'ems, harlow etam, tammy grill and flossie pantomime-haws are collectively hen meat, the latest all girl girl band to have me peering over my glasses, standing awkwardly while holding my tummy in and switching to something less gassy than this piss they attempt to pass off in here as lager beer

their first single, the 'this is hen meat' ep on raping a swan is 12 minutes divided into 4 songs of 3 minutes in length pop songs like they used to make in h'oldentimes but drenched in lo-fi and c86, so much so it's completely shoegazey but also abstract and skuzz (is that how you spell it?)

but why hen meat? well, hen is like 'chick' which is like 'a girl' and hen meat are girls and hen meat are a whole band of girls playing proper instruments and mostly without men help, except in the studio obviously, and then 'meat' is like a play on the word 'meet' because when hen meat play they have to meet one another to do that but in another play on words it's like 'meat' as in carcasses or bodies and girls have bodies, well, at least the fit ones do and so it's like playing with gender roles and expectations and stuff and turning it on it's head, it's really subversive and you probably wouldn't understand if you worked in a call centre

do you work in a call centre?

just to fuck with your head, even more, every song hen meat play which is like a proper song, like I mentioned before, from h'oldentimes is totally buried in feedback (a form of noise) which is like adding fairy dust in that it's intensely irritating but only if you can't handle it but I can... in that sense they recall the likes of c86 bands like my funny valentine, jesus jones and the marychain and the velvet understand

you can almost imagine lou beale from the velvets hearing hen meat and going 'shit, dude, this is what I actually meant my band to sound like, I'm such a prannet'

anyway, I really fancy deb and I hope she'll get off with me because I wrote these words
Last edited by linus on Wed Sep 08, 2010 22:55, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by indiansummer » Fri Jul 02, 2010 08:57

halo my middle, a hula hoop hug


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Wed Sep 08, 2010 22:46

the wendy padburys reform!


great news for any fans of post-C86 1987 indie pop as the wendy padburys reform to play a series of gigs in london, the US and dubai

as anyone who was there will tell you, 'I was there', before adding, 'do you remember that band, the wendy padburys? they did that great great single on shy paddington bear records before signing to chrysalis, they had that song... the one that went 'ba ba ba bah, ba ba, ba ba, yeh, really stupid', they were on the chart show for the whole of april and ended up as a punchline to an andrew collins joke in the nme that made stuart maconie laugh to see such fun?' and cool kids (by which we mean the swedes and kip berman) will nod and say, 'yeh, yeh, of course, brilliant', but in a somewhat non-commital way and we'll look at them expecting them to pull a bit of a face that says, 'I really don't know what you're talking about', but they'll keep that indiepop pokerface on and stare back intensely and we'll have to assume the wendy padburys are a real band and then next time we're down the buffalo bar be sure to say loudly, 'yeh, of course, I don't like all this modern indie pop stuff, I'm more on a bambi slam/wendy padbury tip' in a way that hopefully will impress a 17 year old girl (hopefully also swedish) who just happens to be listening in (for once)

so, yeh, the wendy padburys, great band, brilliant

their first single 'paint some flowers' was exactly 2 minutes and 53 seconds of squealing feedback puddle jumping pop as if iggy pop was actually tracey primitive (sometimes the mind plays tricks) and the stooges had actually been some blokes from coventry, the b-side 'crash a rainbow' was much the same but more byrdsian (danny kelly said)

lead singer of the wendy padburys, flopsie tiffin wendy-padbury, looked like a sexy barely legal librarian while lead guitarist, alf (an acronym for 'alien life form') wendy-padbury, looked like john cale reflected in the back of a spoon, the rhythm section were a fairly anonymous pair and they may or may not be in the wendy padburys 2010, it's hard to tell as they just look like a pair of brickies these days and they were seldom in the press photos back then... what were their names?

signing to chrysalis in march 1987 the band scored big with a number 52 chart entry for their indie disco hit, 'you made me really stupid'

for 3 months in 1987 the chrysalis marketing team worked tirelessly promoting the wendy padburys lp, 'blush' (produced by mayo thompson probably), and it's nine singles ('you made me really stupid' was re-released 4 times during that period including once with a gatefold sleeve and a badge) but the world wasn't ready according to the band, 'we were five years ahead of our time', says alf weakly, one final planned appearance on the channel 4 television show, 'the naked city', ended unfortunately when the band found themselves lost inside caitlin moran

if you really, really, really, really love indie pop and need to prove it to yourself and others then you will go and see the wendy padburys play and you won't make any smart remarks, smirk, slouch or shout out 'play the hit!' instead you'll do as I do and say, 'yes, this is entirely justified'

respect your elders and... are you chewing?

well? are you?

more historical re-enactments of indiepop's past coming soon!

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by indiansummer » Thu Sep 09, 2010 08:16

haha, brilliant
halo my middle, a hula hoop hug

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by bulgariandisco » Thu Sep 09, 2010 10:33

fogofideas wrote:the wendy padburys reform!

the rhythm section were a fairly anonymous pair and they may or may not be in the wendy padburys 2010, it's hard to tell as they just look like a pair of brickies these days
This is simply too good! But you are terribly cruel....

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by humblebee » Thu Sep 16, 2010 13:07

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Re: Lie about Bands

Post by moopind » Thu Sep 16, 2010 13:48

They're pretty good. Why don't you use the name 'Spearmint Rhino' on here, too?
Daniel & Norbert now on Twitter - @Dentressangular

Bandcamp also? Click me.


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by linus » Tue Jan 04, 2011 22:00

blowng and a-drumng

coming to a popfest near you in 2011, bossa pop anagramatists (it says here) blowng and a-drumng are giving sixties soft pop a boom bang a-bang and a parp into the 21st century
medved (left) and skylark (right) are well known to most of you from that band you're all in, now free from your awkward drunken advances and feet the toothsome swoonsome twosome are setting ears alight with their trumpet/drum/la la la songs (?) about hairspray/panic attacks/nice days

it's all available on a cassette, naturally

that's all I've got


Re: Lie about Bands

Post by Guest » Tue Jan 11, 2011 08:29

ring the bells and cry hosanna!

the much anticipated return of 80's C86 legends, the paisleys, can be announced


recent photo (clockwise from top left: eddy; jed; malcolm; stew... the paisleys!)

soon to be appearing across london both north and south of the river this, um, legendary, um, band were absoloutely there or thereabouts back then... mcgee nearly signed them, stephen pastel once bought them a bun ('to share!') and they alienated sarah records by force of personality alone

these four quite likely lads were infamous for being the headline band that time terminal crash fear killed that soundman and then done a riot, they didn't get to play that night because of police enquiries but they went on to play elsewhere without incident apart from wowing v'kids with their mix of sixities pop played with punk, um, ferocity (too strong?)

bobby gillespie, himself, called them 'alright, ok, I suppose' when pressed in 1985 and a queue of bands who you respect vastly out of proportion with how much they respect you back namecheck this band whenever and wherever a blogger begs an interview (most likely via their myspace page) from them and asks with inevitability 'so, who influenced you?' and then more often than not the name of the paisleys is mentioned... if that band (let's call them 'come again') remember

anyway, all now happily married, gainfully employed and feeling worn down by life, the paisleys thought it would be a laugh to get back together

'for the kids who were too young to see us first time around' says singer jed
'like our own kids?' says stew the bass player and now account manager at ruthless finance
'nah', says jed, 'they're all into that modern gangster rap shit... mugger music I call it'
'so, just blokes in their thirties then?' says stew
'and the chicks, probably, bound to be chicks' adds drummer, eddy

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