my memory is shot right now and wanting to watch this one film (the name of which I still can't remember) I selected another by mistake just because the title sounded like it might be the film I wanted to watch... so I watched 'no one lives'... and, it soon became apparent it wasn't the film I was wanting to watch (awkward dinner party, home invaded by animal masked baddies, the tables are turned... possibly the dinner table, maybe a nest of tables as well) but another much more shitter film that I really really really really didn't got on with at all, in fact it was shit, really shit
it's main problem was it took itself so fucking seriously and there was no evidence to suggest why it should, in the olden days exploitation films were cheap, cheerful, a little bit sleazy but in many cases kind of weirdly fantastic and clever and artful and sometimes even subversive, this bollocks, this 'no one lives', was none of those things... fucking hell it was tedious
why are serial killers in films and television sort of strangely superhuman and incredibly agile and cunning and almost supernatural?
most serial killers from history it seems are dysfunctional, creepy and a bit socially inept (aside from all the killing and the maiming, I mean) and are compelled by base desires rather than grand theories of art and philosophy and whatnot... they don't eat people's livers with some fava beans and a nice chianti, their idea of wit and sophistication is to stick their willy wanker into a handful of their own poo while going through your knicker drawer
and there's a serial killer in 'no one lives', and I think we're meant to find him a bit of suave and a bit of alright, despite him essentially behaving like a massive dick the whole film, except at the beginning, because at the beginning the film-makers want us to believe he's just a pussy... the cast of characters in this shitfest comprise a motherfucker, some arseholes, a couple of pussies and one or two bitches
so there's this pussy character and his girlfriend and they go to a diner and run into some arseholes and one of the arseholes reckons he's a bit of a motherfucker and gets up in the pussy's face and gives it large... but later we learn the pussy is in fact the motherfucker and he goes after the arseholes (one of whom turns out to be a pussy) and their bitches and a lot of gore fx follow (throats are cut, guts are spilled, faces are mangled) and a lot of people shout 'motherfucker!', 'arsehole!', 'fuck you, motherfucker!' and 'fuuuuuuuuck!', the motherfucker it turns out is unstoppable and... dun dun dun... no one lives (except the motherfucker and one of the bitches, I think, he has a connection with her and I think lets her live... presumably for a sequel)
and then it ends, with a smirk on the motherfucker's face, like 'yeh, get me, I'm a motherfucker and nobody lived, just like I said they wouldn't'
it's not even ninety minutes long but it feels so much longer, it's not one of those 'so bad, it's good' films, it's just 'so bad you feel like a dick for watching it'... one of those ugly gloomy dark brown films that pass for horror these days
and I only have myself and my poor memory to blame for inflicting it upon myself
£3.99 on films on demand
that's a day's lunch money